We have finally come to the day before the final day of the year!
My friends and family have started talking to me about, “What are you doing on New Year’s Eve?” “Who are you going to spend it with?” “Where will you be on New Year’s Eve?”.
Some people think that the whole New Year’s Day euphoria makes no sense, that every January 1 is just the same like every tomorrow we encounter in our life. I have nothing against that, of course. In fact, everyday should be like New Year’s Day, the day when everyone makes a resolution to be a better person.
However, I am a person who is fond of sentimental moments. I just love reminiscing special days and making those days so festive. E.g. Decorating my house (all by myself this year, by the way, lol) for Christmas, creating DIY cards, videos, presents for loved ones’ birthdays, or simply telling my parents & siblings “Night, night. I love you,” every single day. Therefore, I’d like to take this time to reflect upon 2012 and let my stories be a blessing to you.
1. For the first time in my life, I spent my New Year’s Eve (NYE) without my family. Instead, I was with my ex-boyfriend. Honestly, I felt guilty on the inside, for being dishonest to my parents about how I spent my NYE. I knew that NYE has always been spent with the family; it’s a tradition already. My parents always told us, their children, that as long as you’re still unmarried, you should spend Christmas & NYE with your family. Now I understand why, after seeing my sister got married. :’)
2. I needed to pay for my IELTS, because I applied to take it on March 10 (enough time; because if I failed it, I can take it again). My mother gave me the money right away. Suddenly, she needed the money back. I was like, “Whoa, Mom! I need it! I have to pay for it immediately…” But I just obeyed my mom and gave her the money back. In my heart, I believe that God will provide the money. Guess what! I was taking a nap the next day, woke up, and read an email from my senior from batch 2005. She was the head committee of IFMSA March Meeting 2011. It was an official letter telling that I got Rp 5.000.000 for being a part of this event. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I thought I had blurry vision since I just woke up, so I thought I got Rp 500.000 lah.. But then I opened the email again later on that night… And there it was again, Rp 5.000.000. @_@ I jumped for joy (literally), and told my mom immediately! That was like more than 2x my IELTS money. God is awesome! Give thanks to Him for He pays attention to our every need.
3. This month was the month of restoration. Back on November-December 2011, I was a depressed young woman. If you know me since I was a little kid, I enjoy laughing. A lot of my friends (and family) would tell me that I’m weird and easily pleased because I can laugh easily. But during those two months, I fell down to the trench of hopelessness and deep sorrow. I would sneak out to the library in campus or go to an empty room and cry. Whenever I got home, I took a shower and went to my room immediately; the next morning, I got up, got dropped off, and the cycle repeated itself. I was amazingly tired holistically. And I know you’ve known this fact, it’s better to be dead physically<mentally<spiritually.
A living, fully functional body without a healthy mind and a lively spirit is literally a zombie (except that you don’t become a cannibal :p). I felt like all the creativity that I have is gone; I had no motivation to even eat. If you know me, you’d know that I kinda live to eat. T_T Anyway, depression almost caused me my life. I was in immediate embarrassment when I realized that, because I told my ex-boyfriend once that anybody who has depression and has the tendency to commit suicide is a person who does not believe in God. Guess what? It is true. I did not believe in God during that time and during any other time I put my Jesus aside from my life. I went so far away from Him, and He was not the center of my life anymore. I made my life revolve around my ex and I became like him, a true unbeliever.
However, God can use anybody to convey His love and message to me, my ex encouraged me to believe. I remembered he told me, “You always believe that something good will happen. What happened to you now? You’re being really selfish if you think that things are not going to change, because you’ll never know what’s gonna happen tomorrow. Believe that your God will do something like you always do.” Those words convicted me, because what my ex said was not only his words, but God’s also. Do you remember a verse saying, “Many are the plans in the heart of men, but the Lord’s purpose shall stand forever,”? And another one saying “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future filled with hope,”? And yet another one “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring,”? And so many more. These words were spoken on late December, when I was still very stubborn and filled with self-pity.
January 21 was the day I got separated from the one I revolved my life around, because he went to France for the holiday. He promised me to be back after two weeks, then extended his stay for another week, then he finally told me that he will be back just before campus life starts again. After my whole depressive period, I got really sad when I heard the news. But in a way, I knew that I needed this. I needed to get my life back on track. I need to get my number one relationship back: my relationship with my Almighty Father. So I spent the holidays mostly with my research patients, though I felt really alone, but I felt secure because I knew the Holy Spirit was within me. I can talk to Him whenever I want to.
Day by day, as I spent every morning and every night reading His word and telling Him the cares of my heart, I got that security back. That feeling was so refreshing, soothing, and satisfying — even better, it was also addicting! I’ve never felt so hungry for His word. I couldn’t wait to finish the responsibilities of the day and just open my Bible, read & listen to what He’s saying to me, and finally pray (speaking to Him). The last time I felt something like this was when I was in the states on 2006-2007 and the two years after that, 2008-2009. Since then, I got distracted with everything that was going on in campus (education & ex-boyfriends). It has been a desire of my heart, since I first started writing journals back in third grade, to be a woman after God’s own heart — just like David. We all know that he made a lot of mistakes; he killed a man just because he wanted that man’s wife! But because he loved God with all his heart, repented from what he did, and lived to worship God, God called David, “A man after My own heart”.
Suddenly, I got stronger. Though the circumstances, according to the people around me, were not getting better, I was secure in my Father’s arms. I knew that He is in control. Since then, my life was changed. The months after that were filled with making difficult decisions to follow Christ wholeheartedly, meaning I had to let go of the things that were holding me back and focus on the things that God has in store for me in the future. I had a vision back then that I was asked by Jesus to follow Him, and I immediately said “YES! OF COURSE, GOD!”. Then He told me, “But you only can bring one suitcase, so take what’s important and come with Me, for we don’t have much time.” I was totally in a rush and got anxious because I was not sure on the things that I needed to bring in my suitcase. I put my family in there, my education, my dreams, and it’s full! I didn’t have much space to put my boyfriend inside! And there was Jesus, already walking, I told Him, “Father, may I bring another suitcase? God, wait for me! Please! Hold on, I need to fit .. this.. precious.. thing.. ughhh *trying to fit my ex inside my suitcase*.. JESUS! Don’t go!” Jesus stopped and looked at me, “I told you that you can only bring one suitcase and I advised you to take what’s important to you. The heavier it is, the more tired you will be when we walk. And we’re not going to walk a short distance; we’re going to walk for a lifetime.” After I got this vision, I told Him, “I trust You, Lord. I know that Your ways are higher than my ways, and Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts. You have the best plans for me; I am letting go of mine. I will seek You first with all my heart, because You’re the best, and I know the rest will follow.”
So that was January. I know I told you all that I was gonna go through 2012, but I don’t have time to do that right now. I’ll just write it in my journal and you all will read it if I die. :) Secrets are fun to be unfold slowly, right? ;) It will be revealed at the right time. But to give you an overview of 2012, basically every month was themed “restoration”. My faith, my mindset, my worldview, and my heart were restored the way God wanted it to be! I went through and am going through what people may perceive as “series of unfortunate events”, but I believe that I will come out as gold! Super high pressure and temperature are needed in order to test the purity of gold.
“For the Lord is good, and His love endures, yes the Lord is good forever. And I’ll shout it out from the mountain tops, yes the Lord is good forever!” - A psalm of David
Hope this post encourage you. And may the presence of God fills your heart right now. I pray for everyone who is reading this post. May God bless you, make His face shine upon you, and let His favor be with you everywhere you go. I pray for peace, love, and joy to come into your heart right now. Let Jesus take over your fears, your sorrows, your illness, your life! I pray for security in Him, believing that He will restore whatever it is that the devil has taken away from you. Jesus came to give life and life abundantly. In the presence of God, there is fullness of joy! And that’s my prayer for you, on this almost-very-last-day of the year. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013, tumblrverse! <3