I was too afraid.

My mom just got home from Jogja and she complained to me that my dad has been on the computer for a long time or watching the tv for a long time (it’s true, because it’s midnight now and it was just 10 mins ago when she said this).

My mom called him up. He went up. I, trying to become an intercessor, told my dad gently how my mom wants him to spend time with her than with the tv or computer. I thought he was probably gonna say, “Awww mama…” and then laugh or something.

The fact was that he became mad instantly and said to my mom, “You tell untrue things about me. And you tell it to our kid. Jangan ngomong yang bukan-bukan dong, ma. Aku nggak suka.”

My mom got sad, of course! I was sad too and surprised… I went out to go back to my room…. But I stayed infront of their door to eavesdrop their conversation. I didn’t hear any word from mom. But I heard papa said, “kamu jangan ngomong yang bukan-bukan deh. Bikin panas banget nih. Kalo emang kamu mau aku sama kamu ya tinggal panggil aja, nggak usah ngomong yang bukan-bukan ke anaknya.” he said these words in an angry tone.

There I was, standing, with heart aching, asking quietly for forgiveness to my mom….because I couldn’t be there to stand up for her. I was too afraid.

In a way, I understand that my dad does not want my mom to say that because he watches the tv or plays the pc, he doesn’t miss her. He just wants my mom to tell him straightaway to come to him and not think of negative things instead, because he does miss her; he just wants to watch tv right now. But in another way, I understand the fact that my mom hates it that he’s always in front of the tv and pc and spends a lot of time to it! Too much time is spent there, I can witness myself.

This post is impulsive because I just have to let it out. And for once, this is the most personal thing I’ve ever written online. I’m sorry, pa, ma, kak, ci, for sharing this. I was all alone.

I’m sure these kinds of things happens to a lot of us. It’s not a controversial thing. I just need a friend to share about this. Right this moment. Tumblr and God are my friends at the moment.

Oh gosh, now I feel a lot better. :’)

Not so afraid anymore.

Rejection

is one usual thing for me now. It may sound very sad and pitiful, but I refuse the feel that way. On the contrary, rejection helps me to regain the strength within me, which helps me to stand strong even when nobody’s around.

“3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” -Romans 5:3-5

From this verse, I learned that even during hard times, whatever it is, must preserve our joy by looking at the bright side of life but also dealing with the not-so-bright side of life. If we are successful in this first step, we’ll have the strength and patience to endure obstacles. Without realizing it, our character will gradually develop until we can see great things beyond our problems and situations today. We become excited with life and ready to face the next challenges in life.

I know that words are easy to be said and real actions are hard to do, but hold on to this principle anyway. I know with my whole being that this is true, because I’ve gone through it many times in my life. This, itself, doesn’t make me an “expert”, because I still fail sometimes. Failures should be stepping stones not stumbling blocks. So if we fail but we don’t learn from it, it will only become stumbling blocks for us and defer the process in getting up and moving forward. However, if we learn from our mistakes and not repeat it (that’s why we live carefully), our hope will not be deferred. Instead, our hope may come faster than we think.

I hope this post refreshes your soul just as much it has refreshed mine. What I’m doing is not to lecture anyone, but to encourage others and remind myself of this truth too. We are all living life and we can live it happily when we know how to handle it.

With a big smile on my face,
Ranita